Top 5 Ways to Make It as a Struggling Musician
It's a universal truth that breaking into the music industry is the hardest thing in the world. After all, everybody with a bedroom is doing their own music, and those pity streams from your friends aren't adding up as swiftly as Swifties. Talk about tortured poets! So how to compete with the masses on their mattresses? Here's five surefire tips to take you from standing in the dole queue to standing on the main stage - and with just as much money as you were getting on the dole. Let's begin!
5. "Selling Out"
Many people think the only way to get into the music business is to sell their soul to the devil. This of course is a conspiracy theory and couldn't be further from the truth... The fact is there are actually several deities one can strike a bargain with - and they're all just as easy to deal with as the devil. These include (but are not limited to): Lilith, Beelzebub, Moloch the Owl God and Clive Davis (Pictured)! Just be careful when dealing with that last one...
4. "It's Not Who You Know"
It's a common misconception that to make it big as an artist you need to know someone in the music industry. The harsh reality is simply knowing somebody is not enough. What you really need is a close blood relative who owns a record label. Of course, not everyone was born in the Illuminati. So what now? Simple: invent a time machine that performs molecular transfer! Once done, it's as easy as teleporting into the scrotum of a record exec from the early 2000s. Now you're the one making him your daddy! Better hurry though, you ain't getting any younger kid!
3. "Get Creative"
Nobody likes hearing the same song over and over. Unfortunately, it's what most people are used to. So if you want a song that stands out on the radio you'd better be damn sure it sounds like everybody else. This is where being creative comes in. And by "creative" I mean stealing. Simply pick one of the three popular songs on the radio right now, replace a chord here, a word there and presto chango - you've got yourself a hit song that won't scare or confuse the masses. It might even win several Grammys! If Ed Sheeran can do it, anybody can.
2. "Go Viral, Stupid!"
We all know how difficult it can be to go viral with an original song. Just ask Noah Kahan, who spent 20 whole minutes on TikTok waiting for his song "Stick Season" to explode with popularity. Or Billie Eilish who uploaded her song "Ocean Eyes" to Soundcloud one night. She had to wait until the next morning to find out she was the next pop superstar. Our point is, going viral can happen, just don't expect it to happen overnight. Sometimes it can happen within 20 minutes. Just be patient, okay, jeez!
1. "Work Hard & Be Super Talented"
Hahahaha, oh god... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. But seriously, being talented or having a good work ethic can be beneficial. It's having things like conviction, morals or integrity that are the big no-no's. As long as you're following the other four tips you should be okay. Oh also, don't be over 20 years old.
Truth Dog: synth-punk and satirist
So there you have it, five easy ways to make it big in the music biz! Now that you're armed with these amazing tips there's nothing stopping you from becoming the next industry plant, annoying TikTok trend or nepo baby. And when you get to the top, tell 'em Truth Dog sent ya, baby! Woof woof!